Success - The funny side

Levity:

We all really love good clever jokes - Jokes that come out of left field ( 'The guy across the road has a circular driveway - he can't get out.' Stephen Wright).....so, in this section we will assemble jokes, anecdotes, quotes and other stuff that could bring a wry smile to your dial. Anyone who has something really good - send it in - just fill out the email thingy below and send it - It will get read it and if its funny It will be posted - I can do this because I am the boss. (So there!)

1. Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. (Oscar Levant)

2. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. (Steven Wright)

3. “What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?” (Billy Connolly)

4. There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. (Winston Churchill)

5. I've got all the money I'll ever need - if I die by four o'clock this afternoon. (Henny Youngman)

6. Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. (George Burns)

7. I took my girl to dinner, and she laughed so hard at one of my jokes that she dropped her tray. (Jack Benny)

8. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? (Jerry Seinfeld)

9. "I've stopped smoking...I think the cost was a lot of it, and not being able to breathe. I first gave up smoking when I was eight." (Dave Allen)

10. After you've dated someone, it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch. (Rita Rudner)

11. "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." (Matt Groening)